Category: Joke Board
Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum,
one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing
machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the
day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal
on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought
about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home
with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she
will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift
like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives
her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like
you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going
to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond
to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple
clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show
them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite,
but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear
this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just
fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response
to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent
treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as
a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts,
they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
ok. some of these i laughed at. but really. what's the point.
1986?
Seriously, my wife's come out and asked for certain things on this list.
And, just to add to this, during the 90s they said not to get a woman anything sexy because that's really a gift for you.
Does anyone else here at all see a pattern?
If I happen to cook as a man, and my wife gets me cooking utensils, you don't see me getting all riled up and offended.
I never would've said this stuff in the 90s, but I'm beginning to think the real secret is people like this (men women, frogs, hippopotomi, whoever / whatever), actually don't want to be pleased at all: Their power is in ripping the other party down constantly and keeping it never enough.
The women of the early sixties were right to say so (the same as I'm saying right here) about men of that time, before some of us were born, and others weren't even thought of so no point trying to do the people-now-pay-for-the-actions-of-the-past song and dance. It don't fluy: not anymore.
Frankly, if I could at this moment give my wife anything, it would be a vacation from it all, for real, someplace far off and enjoyable. When that time comes, she's gettin' it. Then again, people like her are real women, not little girls throwing tantrums and complaining all the time.
Imagine if the opposite were to be posted on here as a joke, what not to get men, you'd probably have some complaintive reactions about the men not being able to see it's the thought that counts or being too shallow / materialistic. I thought this shit died with the 90s. Guess not.
I thought that I responded to this when it was first posted but I guess The Zone ate my post. lol
1. What woman wouldn't want something that could make her life easier? It means more time spent with the one she loves.
2. Provided it's a brand she uses, what's wrong with getting cleaning supplies, particularly in bulk and at a discount? It's economically wise. I buy only natural products for the purpose, usually at
http://www.iherb.com
Then again, getting me a gift certificate for there would be great, since I'm constaly buying things from them.
I must say, three and four made me laugh.
5. I could understand the turn-off with the cartoon stuff, but some women actually like it because they have a child/silly side. But what on Earth is wrong with flannel? It's warm and comfortable. Then again, I'm not the type for "sexy" or impractical clothing.
6. This one I could understand, but even here, I've seen some wonderful exceptions. I personally wear men's cologne more than women's but I've found a few knock-offs that smelled exactly like the originals and which lasted. But of course, getting a really expensive one from time to time never hurts, provided that you have the money.
I'm not into jewellery or clothing, so can't really comment on seven or eight. But my boyfriend has gotten me a few articles of clothing that I really like.
Nine and ten made me laugh. I could certainly understand why that would make a woman angry. lol But to be honest, if I asked how I looked in something and my boyfriend lied to me, it would lead to a serious fight. When I ask a question, I expect an honest answer. Thankfully, he's wonderful enough to know that. I'm also realistic enough to appreciate whatever he gets me, because I know it's from the heart and it makes me feel wanted and special and he feels the same way about my gifts.
agree with Leo. very well said.